A New York State of Love Part I
“To not believe always seemed like the best option when dealing with him.”
“No, stop it!” I was saying below a whisper. Jimmy was in my dreams again. It always appeared to be the same. Just when it got to the fight scene I jumped out of my slumber and eyes wide open into the darkness. I couldn't understand why the same dreams kept happening. I rested my head back onto my pillow as I felt beads of sweat form on my forehead. I turned my head slowly to the left and all of my dreams were a reality in that moment. My heart sank heavily in my chest, as it pounded to the beat of nothingness. All of my worst fears were being realized, I couldn't blink, all I could do was stare, was it a mirage, I was afraid to know the truth. I closed my eyes and somehow found myself dreaming once again.
I woke up earlier than I really wanted to. I touched the top of my head to ensure that the shower cap I’d worn to bed was still firmly in place. My hair was covered in conditioner and I needed to wash it. As I drug my feet out of my bedroom and into the restroom, I dreaded the fact that today was the day. The day that everything I once knew for sure was now going to be questioned. Was I tough enough to make this move, seriously? Well, it was t-minus ten hours before I would know for certain. I rinsed the conditioner out of my hair and stood over the bathroom sink to detangle, I marched into the living room with my natural hair products in tow, slipped on the Love and Basketball DVD and began twisting my hair. I half paid attention to my childhood favorite movie as I twisted up each strand. My mind moved to Jimmy and the words he’d spoken two days earlier. Were they real, or was this another case of “Jimmy’s make believe hour”. I despised the fact that he had lost my trust, more so for me, because I never knew what to believe anymore. To not believe always seemed like the best option when dealing with him.
My hair was twisted and pinned to mimic a short hair cut, one of my favorite styles and also, easily attainable. I looked into the mirror again, confusion drawn onto my face. I was scared shitless, but it was now or never. So much was riding on my plans - on this trip. However, there was so much unfinished business here, literally. What about D, Jimmy, Alonzo!? I was growing tired of those names, I really was. I wanted to run away from them all…none of them made sense in my heart anymore or my emotions or at least that’s how it appeared. I sighed, looking for relief. I tied my hair down with a black scarf and proceeded to make sense of the unpacked suitcase and clothes about my living room floor. One by one each garment was folded and placed in my suitcase. I felt as though I was packing my life away and for what, on a whim? I shook my head to push out any last minute thoughts of changing my mind. I imagined feelings of me falling in love with the city, the people - maybe a man. "Pssh! I don't need a man!" I was doing it again, thinking of the countless ways a man could distract me from my real problems, my real goals, my real future - that was what had happened, and still felt was happening even while sleeping a mere ten feet away from me, I felt the "forces" working.
An hour had elapsed and I wasn't nearly ready, there was a change brewing, I could feel it. Ready or not, it was taking place.
-BB