Hello 25

“I see myself feeling free, walking in my truest purpose, committed to the man of my dreams, traveling the world, building and fostering relationships.”

— BB

Life.  That's all I can focus on as I actually write this as a 24 year old....although by the time you see it, I will be 25 (God willing).  Life.  A lot of my 24th year was spent on moving, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Moving to a higher point - a higher place.  However, with such large amounts of moving, there was tons of discomfort and a crap load of questions.  So much transpired in the last 12 months, I met a ton of goals, and also failed to reach a few as well.  My 24th year was filled with a lot of happy, there were moments where I stopped to thank God for his blessings, where I stopped to relish in the fact that I felt great physically, that I was well mentally.  Things that we often times take for granted, that we forget are a luxury.  My love life at 24 was laughable, literally.  I laughed a lot, met interesting people, but more importantly learned a ton.  I severed old ties and maintained growing friendships.  Yet, there were still a number of questions needing answers.  The below questions took me months to think on and answer and I thought what better birthday gift for me than to share this with you...hopefully it inspires someone.

What makes you happy?
Being at peace.  Having no worries.  When I'm not stressing over things that I really have no control over.  The usual stuff - issues over work, money, love.  I am happiest when I feel as though there is balance.  When there is balance, there is peace for me.

What makes you sad?
The idea of losing - the feeling of having lost.  

What are some things in the past that you haven’t let go?
I haven't forgiven myself truly and fully for certain choices.  Mostly because I am naturally a person who seeks and observes to understand.  I don't exactly understand some of my own actions, which is why I have the toughest time coming to grips with them, and ultimately releasing them.

Are they holding you back?
Yes, of course - in more ways than I can think of.  It doesn't stay in one area, it manifests itself in all parts of my life.  It's cancerous.

Are you holding grudges?
Subconsciously, yes.  With intention, no.  I release all, or at least I try to.

Are there people you don’t forgive?
Yes.  One.

What are you most afraid of and why?
I am most afraid of becoming my own worst enemy.  Standing in my own way, rather it be from fear, holding grudges, uncertainty or insecurities.

How do you see your ‘perfect life’ in the next 5 years? 10 years?
I see myself feeling free, walking in my truest purpose, committed to the man of my dreams, traveling the world, building and fostering relationships.  Being an inspiration, practicing what it feels like to be happy on a daily basis.

What do you want your legacy to be?
I'm still working on that.....

How do you want to be remembered by people who only get a chance to meet you one time?As a breath of fresh air, a woman with a purpose, someone who sets an intention and goes after it full force.  In short, graceful, classy, poised, driven, smart, dedicated.

HAPPY 25TH BIRTHDAY TO ME AND TO ALL OF YOU WHO ARE CELEBRATING TOO!

-BB

6 Things I Learned About Me in 2014

“The one where everyone around you is moving at high speed, and yet you sit, in slow motion. Adorned in newness, fashioned like Michelle and Barack, no wait, Martin and Coretta, or better yet, Malcolm and Betty...yeah, Malcolm and Betty.”

— BB

1. "I am intimidating. I can't wait to fall in love with someone more intimidating than I." - RivaFlowz

People often mistake intimidation for being mean or overly aggressive.  That's not the case for me.  My intimidation is an energy, it's meant to make you feel nervous, to evoke sensitivities in you that you never knew were there.  However an equally intimidating person gets this energy, they don't cower away from it, they gravitate towards it.  They allow it to give them strength, strength for the pursuit and endurance that is sure to be needed.

2. "As you evolve and come into your own, you will love yourself differently." - RV

Loving me at 25, is immensely different from loving me at 21.  I no longer handle myself whimsically, throwing caution to the wind at every handsome face or smooth talker. I love myself for all of my uniqueness, my flaws and my strengths and weaknesses.  I have taken on an image that looks a lot more like what I envisioned when I was young despite what my former self thought wasn't exactly a good look.

3. "I love my solitude." - RV

I've been living alone for the past four years.  In a career that's booming crazy throughout the day, it's always nice to come home to silence, the smell of me and apple cinnamon Glade air fresheners.  To stumble over shoes in the foyer that do not belong to anyone else.  To turn on the TV and flip to any channel that I wish without there being a need to ask "is this okay?" to another.  Sure, the day will come when I'll have to sacrifice, but I'm prayerful it will be worth it.

4. "Friendships are seasonal. The word "best" is attached to people who are easier identified as admirers or enemies and interchangeable." - RV

I have always craved deep friendships, and I've come mighty close with a few, some I can still acknowledge and others I have chosen to no longer recognize for one reason or the other.  Friendships end for various reasons, often times, I simply like to say that they just now look different, we no longer laugh in unison, invites get lost in the mail and good ole father time just has a way of just changing things.

5. "The intimacy, the silent treatment, the dissonance, the fighting fair, and the piecing it back together again." - RV

Is what I hope my relationship looks like.  I'm not naive enough to believe that my marriage will be full of perfect and always peaceful, but despite what troubles the troubles are, I just would like to pick up the pieces again and again and again...together.

6. "First dates feel like interviews and when they don't...you sometimes feel like you've found the real thing." - RV

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for..."

I have thoroughly enjoyed the last couple of year's being single.  I needed it.  It feels amazing to be in the ready position, to be able to feel open enough to invite another into my life, to take on a partner again, to be "okay" with the past and prepared to move forward.  I've had a good amount of first dates, for the most part they're all awkward - fumbling for conversation, finger twisting in laps, nervous laughter, but then there is the one first, the one that is a little more effortless, a little more organic.  The one where everyone around you is moving at high speed, and yet you sit, in slow motion.  Adorned in newness, fashioned like Michelle and Barack, no wait, Martin and Coretta, or better yet, Malcolm and Betty...yeah, Malcolm and Betty.  Funny thing about firsts, they can happen time and time again, until the next time becomes the right time. I'm looking forward to that right time.

HAPPY NEW YEAR to each of you, I pray a prosperous and healthy 2015!

-BB

The Worst

“I’ve broken many hearts, and hurt many feelings - most believing that they’d done something, when the truth is that they didn’t fulfill me, they couldn’t, my cup didn’t runneth over.”

— BB

I miss what it feels like to like someone....to really like someone.

The caterpillar evolving into a butterfly, producing that familiar feeling in my stomach.

Those waves crashing against my soul kind of feeling.

The potential of so much being manifested in two beings so small, in comparison.

I believe men and women, make ourselves so much more complicated than we really are.  We all for the most part want the same things.

I personally am always skeptical of any person who says that they have never dreamed or wished for a happily ever after.

I sometimes feel selfish for wanting more than I have - for always wanting the up-sale.  It comes natural to me, I suppose.

My mother used to complain that I was never satisfied as a kid, I always saw ways that something could be better, and better I had to have.

It manifested itself into my adult life - infected my love life.

I know some great guys, amazing guys....but I always find a reason to say more.  It's not as terrible as it sounds, I promise.

It's never been about looks, never about money, never about sex.

I've broken many hearts, and hurt many feelings - most believing that they'd done something, when the truth is that they didn't fulfill me, they couldn't, my cup didn't runneth over.

I believe in accountability, but more so importantly, love accountability - no one else can be accountable for my heart, at least the way I can - so why would I not be stingy about it?  Why would I not only want the best  for it?

Who's going to protect it, you?  Prove it.

A lot of guys have called me amazing, funny thing is, they have no idea the kind of responsibility or rather the accountability that comes with them merely speaking it, never mind if I actually am or not.

There's a certain danger in wanting me - I'd like to think the man for me has that same characteristic.  We'd immediately recognize it in each other.

Intimidation or fear isn't provoked within him as he knows that won't serve him on his journey.

As much as I miss the process to love and actually loving, I despise what it feels like to discover that it isn't enough.

Not enough to save you, save them, save what was built.  It all sort of comes crashing down.  Nothing can erase what that feels like.

Hope.  It is what I do most days, hope that he's out there, my proof, proof that I'm not crazy - that my desire for more than what I've had is warranted and lives within him.

In the meantime, I wait - which is the worst.

-BB

Mathematics

“So somehow you subtracted yourself from me over time, leaving me unsolvable, my signs changing daily.”

— BB

I remember playing 1+1 by Beyonce for you.  I told you that this was how I felt about you.  You smiled at me.  Now that I think about it, maybe you were really laughing at me.  Was I funny to you?  Was my love for you humorous?

You were the 1 and I was the 1 and together, we made 2, was that somehow unfathomable to you, somehow incorrect?  You could have told me.

I wished you'd said something.  Anything. Said I was wrong, that my math was off somehow.  That you weren't the 1, you weren't the addend to my addend.  You weren't completely sure what number you were.  0 perhaps?

Maybe you were in someway already a 2 - had someone already added to you, you were their 1 and therefore there was no way that you could have been involved into my equation?

So somehow you subtracted yourself from me over time, leaving me unsolvable, my signs changing daily.  Not sure if I am to add you anymore, am I to continue to let you subtract, remember that time we could have multiplied?

Now, here I am, left divided.

1
I've always hated math.

-BB

Blind Sided Part I

“He’s young enough to date me, but old enough to appreciate me.”

— BB

"A blind date? I don't know about that."  I responded to Kim, who's face had lit up at the idea that she had found my perfect match.  "Who is he?"  I asked, really wanting to know.  Kim perked, "his name is Mekhi and he is a really great guy and sooooo your type!"  Kim was practically jumping up and down at the prospect of he and I meeting and ultimately hitting it off.  "Well, where is he?"  I wondered, now more intrigued.  "Uhh, he lives in Tennessee."  She responded hesitantly.  My eyes bucked and my mouth fell open.  "A freaking whole other state, Kim?!  What am I going to do with him from there?"  Kim had to be out of her mind if she thought that there would be a chance in hell that I would get to know and/or possibly even date someone long distance, on purpose!  I was immediately frustrated.  "He's really cute, and such a gentleman, you'll like him.  Come on, BB."  I began to try to weigh which issue bugged me the most, the thought of being on a blind date, or if I despised the fact that my date lived in another state.  I gave in to the idea with a YOLO and gave Kim the green light on hooking things up.

It was right about 9:00pm on a Thursday when I arrived home.  Mekhi had reached out to me, but I was far too distracted to answer him at the time.  I handled a few things around my apartment before I sat in the middle of my queen-sized bed that I'd missed terribly and called him.  He answered close to the fifth ring.  "May I speak with Mekhi, please?"  I asked, in the softest voice I could conjure up.  "This is Mekhi" he responded laced with a smile that was present through the phone.

Me: Well, hello, how are you?

Mekhi: I am doing quite well, my lady, how are you?

I noticed right away the very Southern accent that Mekhi possessed, I even found myself pulling back from the phone to have a laugh at just how southern his drawl was.  I thought it was cute and gave him personality.  He and I talked for a little over an hour and a half.  We discussed many things, such as what he does for living, my being a writer, which he thought was pretty cool, him recently purchasing a home, and both our love for animals.  We shared laughs and serious conversation at the same time.  Mekhi is about three years older than me, which was refreshing.  He's young enough to date me, but old enough to appreciate me, it was appeasing to talk to a young man who didn't want to discuss just sports and himself, he seemed to have a genuine interest in getting to know me and  the various things about me.  He and I ended the conversation with pleasantries and a promise to talk soon.  I was pleased with how the first conversation went.

I was home and Kim and I were having our usual girly pow wow we have whenever I'm there, when I made a comment regarding the potential blind date with Mekhi.  Kim's face did that lighting up thing again.  It was originally determined that seeing as though Mekhi was in and out of my home state, we would try to coordinate a time for us to meet up and go out.  "That's perfect!" Kim shouted out of nowhere.  I looked at her confused.  "You're still coming to Nashville for the 4th right?"  I nodded wanting to know what she was getting at.  "Welllll....you guys should go on your date then!"  I counted in my head that the 4th of July was three weeks away.  I also had to admit that, that actually worked out really well.  "Mekhi is also throwing his annual 4th of July party so you should come to that too."  I then thought back to the conversation I'd had with Mekhi and how excited he sounded about having the party in his new home.  I smiled, I was intrigued by the meeting of the stranger. Wondering if the way he spoke matched the way he looked, would I even like the way he looked?  I shook off any apprehension that I might have and decided to cross that proverbial bridge when I got to it.  For now, I wouldn't worry.  All was right with the world and Mekhi.

See Part II

-BB

Could You Be Mine? Part I

“I deep down yearned to feel that feeling again, the feeling of forgetfulness of all the things and people around me. ”

— BB

I wasn't sure of what to wear, but it was too late to back out of this date with Alonzo.  Lately the spark between he and I had fizzled there was no longer any intensity, however, he had asked me to join him and possibly a group of others out.  I had thought of the many things that I’d say to break yet another evening out with Alonzo, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I went home and immediately scrubbed my body from any residue of the day, I imagined what this night out would be like.  Laced with boring conversation and tales of his work woes as though he didn't know what he was signing up for to begin with.  I rolled my eyes as the hot water rolled down my body.  I took the powder blue dress and hung it up to allow any leftover wrinkles to fall from it.  I then moisturized my skin, applied my makeup and stared in the mirror at my hair as it lay thrown about my head looking a hot mess.  How I managed to place my hair in a chic bun, is beyond me.  

I fiddled around with it to get it in the perfect shape.  I then slipped my dress over my frame and walked into the living room.  I released an exasperated sigh and sat with my hands in my lap.  “I have to tell him tonight.”  I said aloud.  My feelings for Alonzo hadn't changed, I still thought very highly of him and believed whole heatedly in his love for me, yet, something was off.  While I knew he felt all these wonderful things for me, I had at some point friend zoned him and didn't even realize it.  I hated to have talks like the one I was planning to have with Alonzo tonight.  My stomach turned a little at the thought of that conversation. 

Alonzo arrived on time as usual, I was apprehensive but was genuinely happy to see him dressed in a dark grey suit, black button down and grey bow tie   I frowned a little at the lack of a haircut but brushed it off.  I grabbed my coat and keys and we made our way to our destination.  The restaurant sat in a lot all on its own, there were soft lights on the outside and inside.  It was much more spacious than the way it appeared on the outside.  Alonzo informed the hostess that we had reservations for 8:30pm.  I looked around for any sight of the rest of the party.  I suppose Alonzo could tell what I was checking for as he chimed in, “I figured that it should just be us tonight.  I missed you and wanted some alone time.”  My skin crawled a little,  I rubbed my arms as though I was cold.  I guess that was a good thing that no one else was around, maybe I could say what I wanted to say over dinner.  Therefore, there would be no need for him to park his frame on the edge of my couch and summon me next to him as he always does. 

The restaurant was gorgeous, it was dark and romantic.  The waiters and waitresses were all adorned in tan server jackets and everyone seemed to be nice and accommodating.  Alonzo always picked the best restaurants, something that I admired and equally enjoyed.  We were approached by a tall Caucasian gentleman with light hair.  “I have your table all ready.  Please, follow me.”  He instructed.  I stood from my seat and glided across the path that we were being led down.  The dark light made my blue dress appear to glow, therefore eyes were being lifted from their meals onto Alonzo and I.  I began to feel nervous and walked faster.  “Ma’am, might I say that color looks exquisite.”  Our guide chimed in, as though he were reading the minds of the eyeballs staring in both Alonzo and I’s direction.  I felt relieved once we’d made it to our table.  It was basically a room within a room.  It was even more beautiful, the lights even more dimmed.  Our table was lit with a single candle in the center with crisp white table linens draped across.  Our host handed us two large menus for our viewing then excused himself.

I glanced over the menu a few times then looked up to take in the ambiance further.  We were surrounded by about seven other tables, all with couples, everyone all appearing to be sharing wine and enjoying one another’s company.  I immediately felt out of place.  I deep down yearned to feel that feeling again, the feeling of forgetfulness of all the things and people around me.  Only being surrounded by the love I had for the person sharing the table with me, wanting waiting and anticipating the time when we would be alone again, to kiss, to touch, to feel.  I sighed out of nowhere.  I then felt Alonzo’s hand on my knee, “Everything oaky?”  he asked with concerned eyes.  I smiled to put him at ease, he smiled in return.  “You know, you really look amazing tonight.” 

This was going to be a lot harder than I thought.

See Part II

-BB 

A New York State of Love Part I

“To not believe always seemed like the best option when dealing with him.”

— BB

“No, stop it!”  I was saying below a whisper.  Jimmy was in my dreams again.  It always appeared to be the same.  Just when it got to the fight scene I jumped out of my slumber and eyes wide open into the darkness.  I couldn't understand why the same dreams kept happening.  I rested my head back onto my pillow as I felt beads of sweat form on my forehead.  I turned my head slowly to the left and all of my dreams were a reality in that moment.  My heart sank heavily in my chest, as it pounded to the beat of nothingness. All of my worst fears were being realized, I couldn't blink, all I could do was stare, was it a mirage, I was afraid to know the truth.  I closed my eyes and somehow found myself dreaming once again.

I woke up earlier than I really wanted to.  I touched the top of my head to ensure that the shower cap I’d worn to bed was still firmly in place.  My hair was covered in conditioner and I needed to wash it.  As I drug my feet out of my bedroom and into the restroom, I dreaded the fact that today was the day.  The day that everything I once knew for sure was now going to be questioned.  Was I tough enough to make this move, seriously?  Well, it was t-minus ten hours before I would know for certain.  I rinsed the conditioner out of my hair and stood over the bathroom sink to detangle, I marched into the living room with my natural hair products in tow, slipped on the Love and Basketball DVD and began twisting my hair.  I half paid attention to my childhood favorite movie as I twisted up each strand.  My mind moved to Jimmy and the words he’d spoken two days earlier.  Were they real, or was this another case of  “Jimmy’s make believe hour”.  I despised the fact that he had lost my trust, more so for me, because I never knew what to believe anymore.  To not believe always seemed like the best option when dealing with him.

My hair was twisted and pinned to mimic a short hair cut, one of my favorite styles and also, easily attainable.  I looked into the mirror again, confusion drawn onto my face.  I was scared shitless, but it was now or never.  So much was riding on my plans - on this trip.  However, there was so much unfinished business here, literally.  What about D, Jimmy, Alonzo!?  I was growing tired of those names, I really was.  I wanted to run away from them all…none of them made sense in my heart anymore or my emotions or at least that’s how it appeared.  I sighed, looking for relief.  I tied my hair down with a black scarf and proceeded to make sense of the unpacked suitcase and clothes about my living room floor.  One by one each garment was folded and placed in my suitcase.  I felt as though I was packing my life away and for what, on a whim?  I shook my head to push out any last minute thoughts of changing my mind.  I imagined feelings of me falling in love with the city, the people - maybe a man.  "Pssh!  I don't need a man!"  I was doing it again, thinking of the countless ways a man could distract me from my real problems, my real goals, my real future - that was what had happened, and still felt was happening even while sleeping a mere ten feet away from me, I felt the "forces" working.

An hour had elapsed and I wasn't nearly ready, there was a change brewing, I could feel it.  Ready or not, it was taking place.

-BB

The Truth About Loving Me

“Yet, you search for those things in my eyes, my love, because that’s where you discovered the very best.”

— BB

You couldn't be interested in me, or rather you shouldn't.
If I could offer any real advice, it'd be that. Not in the way it's being read, however, you shouldn't be interested in me if you're not ready to be exposed, grow, and have someone to call you on your bullshit.

You'll never be the same.
My goal is to not be the same, so there's no way that you could leave being the same, hopefully both for the better. The greater versions of ourselves, prayerfully.
Your life will look different, your smile different, laugh different, and certainly, you'll cry differently.
My plan is to evoke emotions you've never felt before. I want to peel back every layer and discover a plethora of love and potential. I want you to shed the dead skin and step into a new wave of living.

I'll make you want better, but you won't be sure of where to find it once I'm gone.
The crazy thing about being with me, you'll desire better in your life, from the shoes on your feet, to the career you thought you wanted. Yet, you search for those things in my eyes, my love, because that's where you discovered the very best.  The worst thing you could do, is to let that escape you.

You'll wonder how you ever lived one second of your life without me.
I'll make you search deep within yourself, acknowledging crevices and crannies that God placed there.

You don't know where that is? Come here, let me show you. That's the essential role of a woman in a mans life to show him better than he's use to. Then and only then is her work truly done.

You'll discover a whole new world in my eyes.
A whole new path in my bosom
A new taste for thrill in my loins.
You will discover religion in my voice and pain in my silence
No to love me won't be easy, it'll be hard - harder than you can imagine, but if you want it, come and get it.

-BB